Image Credit: San Francisco Pole and Dance

Dear Andre,

I’m a trans woman in my early 40s and I’m dating the guy of my dreams. The sexual chemistry is out of control, and recently he told me that he’d been fantasizing about me giving him a lapdance before we fell into bed. I’m definitely not opposed to the idea, but I’ve never given anyone a sexy dance before and I have no idea where to start! Help!


Patricia L.


Dear Patricia,

You came to the right girl! I’ve been stripping professionally (and privately!) for the better part of 12 years. I’d love to give you some of my finest pointers.

Scrap everything you think you know about “who” gives lap dances. Pop culture would have us believe that only a select few of us deserve to give sexy dances (namely thin, white, long-haired, cisgendered, young, able-bodied, stereotypically attractive femmes). Additionally, you apparently always need to be wearing lingerie and seven-inch heels. Don’t believe that nonsense! Lap dancing is for every body. Your partner already thinks you’re smokin’ hot; Believe him. As soon as you start to doubt yourself, remind yourself that you deserve to dance sexily whenever and however you want, and that no matter what/how you do, your boyfriend is going to feel like a winner! Also, lap dancing barefooted is highly underrated.

Find your confidence. In terms of boosting self esteem, I encourage folks to first and foremost be patient and kind with themselves. Achieving true confidence is a lifelong endeavor; it’s part of the human experience. Before your dance, if you need a little confidence boost, you can do one of three things:

1) Embody your favorite stripper. Is there someone whose unapologetic swag always floors you? Allow their energy to inspire you, and when you’re ready to dance, go ahead and embody and emulate their confidence!

2) Embody your ideal self. Envision where you want yourself to be, confidence-wise. How does that person move? What do they say? When you’re ready to dance, channel that ideal self and let them loose!

3) Embrace exactly who you are, right now. Instead of allowing your fear of embarrassment to dominate you, go ahead and lean into the awkward! Awkwardness, silliness and laughter are humanizing, endearing, and totally hot. I love when people giving me a dance let their true personality shine through.

Wear comfortable clothing that won’t get caught on your partner. No dangling jewelry, belts, beaded skirts, or other sharp edges (and keep in mind, sequins scratch!). And if you’re worried about removing your clothes in a fluid way, squash your anxiety by making your partner do it! I do this a lot with difficult bra clasps. Instead of fiddling with it, I’ll plop on my partner’s lap and instruct them to do it for me. Bonus points for telling him he’s only allowed to use his mouth…

Know your body’s capabilities and limitations. It’s easy for us to get disconnected from our body and forget what it realistically can and can’t do. Both insecurity and ego can lead to us trying to practice every Instagram or Youtube dance move we see, and this impulse can very easily lead to injury. The better you know your body (inside and out), the more connected to it you’ll feel. Develop your own dance style! You only get one body, so protect it. I also recommend using a sturdy backed chair without arms!

Practice, practice, practice! Once you’ve selected music to dance to and an outfit to wear, I definitely recommend doing some test runs alone in your room before the big event! If you want to specifically work on your rhythm, I always wait until the house is empty before putting on some music with a strong beat. Then I practice doing mundane tasks (Grocery shopping! Exercising! Mopping the floor!) to the beat of the music!

Don’t rush through it; stretch out every single moment. When we’re nervous, we tend to hurry things along to get the whole experience over quicker. Resist this urge! The slower you go, the more sensual your dance will be and the more self-assured you’ll appear. I usually approach the dance in three stages:

1) Heightening anticipation. Pick two or three parts of your body that you like and focus on showing yourself off to your partner, not allowing him to make contact with you just yet (don’t be afraid to make him sit on his hands!).

2) Tease and control. Your boyfriend isn’t allowed to touch you, but you can touch him! Alternate between caressing him or lightly grinding on him and pulling away. Maybe start cheating your clothes off, gradually showing off more and more skin.

3) Home run. Now you can get into the filthy stuff! Put your boobs in his face, straddle him, kneel in front of him, give him a good ol’ booty motorboat, instruct him to rip all your remaining clothes off, whatever’s your flavor! Most importantly, have fun!

Best of luck to you!

Author Profile

Andre Shakti
Andre Shakti
Andre Shakti is a queer journalist, educator, performer, activist, and professional slut living in the DMV. She is devoted to normalizing alternative desires, de-stigmatizing sex workers and their clients, andnot taking herself too seriously. Andre wrestles mediocre white men into submission and writes about the resistance for Rewire, Thrillist, MEL, Vice, Cosmopolitan, Autostraddle, and more. She frequently lectures,coaches and advises on the intersecting issues of sexual health, politics and pleasure, race, trauma, gender diversity, sex worker rights, non-monogamy, and queerness. When not working, Andre can typically be found marathoning "Law & Order: SVU" under a chaotic pile of partners and pitbulls, and yes, she knows how problematic that show is. In addition to her work with Baltimore OUTloud, Andre is the reigning polyamory pundit at her biweekly non-monogamy advice column "I Am Poly(amorous) & So Can You!", which you can visit - and submit questions to! - via She encourages you to connect with her on Facebook via "Andre Shakti" and follow her NSFW exploits on Twitter via @andreshakti!