Am I trans enough? Sometimes acceptance even in our own community sucks! We tend to put each other down without any basis. So, what is transgender enough? I think about my own transition, when did I become transgender enough?
Was it when I first started to wonder if I am transgender? Was that the point where I was transgender enough? This lasted about five years or so. When I first started dressing as female at home by myself? Is it the first time I took supplements to start to change my body? The first time I went out of the house as a female? The first time I started taking hormones even though I stopped a month later? Was it when I got on hormones permanently but didn’t have surgery yet? Was it the point of surgery itself? Where was it?
I personally think either you are transgender or you are not transgender. There are no shades of being transgender. For me it is one of the few black and white questions out there. Now, whether you let people see into your world is up to you. And how far you go is only up to one person, you! No matter what stage you are in, you either are or you are not transgender. So, let’s talk about acceptance.
First is acceptance of yourself. It took me decades to come to terms with who I am. At first, I was in denial – I couldn’t be transgender even though I was. After denial I went into anger. I was angry for a long time. This was also the hardest stage to be in. I could go psycho in a nanosecond. And I did many times only to regret it later wondering why I did. I think this was because I didn’t want to be transgender. I was happy being male, or so I rationalized.
Growing up being transgender wasn’t even on the map in the late 1960s and early 70s. I’m from a small super conservative red, red state – Louisiana. The next step in my journey was bargaining, I told myself I would only do it when I went out of town. That worked for about ten years. I could express who I was and stay employed at the same time. It was working fine until a series for tragic family events. Then I realized that I no longer had a handle on my gender issues. Major tragedies seem to be a catalyst for people coming to terms of being transgender. This pushed me into a very deep dark depression. This was the worse phase and the scariest. I went to some very dark places, for a while I thought suicide was my only option.
After I got to my breaking point, I got to the final stage, acceptance. This was an awkward stage in the beginning, because when I saw someone I knew, I would shy away from them. I would sometimes walk in a different direction so they wouldn’t see me. I was still embarrassed of who I was.
Many of these stages overlapped and went on at the same time. I also have had my first fallback into depression and some of the suicidal thoughts recurred. Hopefully it looks like it won’t last long. However, I did find myself on the Golden Gate needing to call a friend. It’s very hard to reach out when you get to this point, however this time was not as bad as previous times.
One thing I did do in this process was to feel a real sense of loss of Rory. It was almost part of me died when he is no longer around. I think it was because he was really a nice guy. I never had a problem with him. I just knew he wasn’t who I am. As always, love, light, and peace – Sophie.
Sophie Marie White, married with three kids, is a native of South Louisiana. She draws from her varied experiences as a writer, filmmaker, producer, Director of Photography, Chiropractor, EMT, firefighter, race car driver, and boxing promoter to inspire her acting and writing. She has been active in the film industry for the past 18 plus years.
Sophie began acting a little over a year ago. Since then she has been cast in several feature films, including Hummingbird and We All Think We Are Special. Sophie was also cast in several TV series including Tell Me Your Secrets and top of show, guest-starring role, on Chicago Med. In her first year and a half of acting, she has been cast in 3 television series, 14 movies, and 1 play.
She is also a syndicated writer, who writes on transgender issues in and outside the film industry. Her screenplays have won the ISA New Orleans Writers Award 2017 and have placed at Table Read My Screenplay (New Orleans, London, and Sundance), Final Draft Fellowship, ISA Fast-track Fellowship, and New York International Fright Fest.
Films she has produced from her screenplays have won or placed at numerous film festivals including AMFM, London Independent Awards, Imagination Lunchbox, and New Zealand Film Awards, just to name a few. She has even watched one of her produced films in the White House.
Sophie is a transgender female, and with her family, she’s making her way through the complicated transition process. She brings a unique voice that is extremely under-represented in the film and television industry. Her desire to share her journey will hopefully show others that there is hope, and they are not alone. Sophie tries to live up to her motto of love, light, and peace.