In my naiveté having tried dating sites a while ago at the recommendation of friends, it amazed me the number of gay men or closet cases who just wanted a quick hook up. The part that really fascinated me, and of course I did NOT meet any of these people since at the time was hoping to have met someone to actually date, were the number of seriously closeted straight men either married or in a relationship that wanted to experiment and fulfill a fantasy, or fetish or sexual need. I ended up doing more counseling with these men than anything else and eventually deleted my profiles from these sites and gave up all hope of finding anyone that wanted to pursue me.
My first thought that I shared was, why don’t you talk to your girlfriend or your wife about this about your feelings and desires. The men who had been in long term relationships of either status had replied, “Oh.. I couldn’t.. she wouldn’t’ understand,” or “she would divorce/leave me.” Then I asked, then what kind of relationship is that that you don’t have open communication regarding sex? And this actually applies to any committed couple regardless of genders or preferences. Why do you feel you that can’t talk to your partners regarding fetishes or fantasies? As long as they are healthy and don’t hurt anyone, (and if so, make sure you have your “safe” word!) why not? What is there to be ashamed of? Your partner should never judge you for what you share OR look at you like you were crazy or perverted. It isn’t like all of the sudden you decided after years of being with that person, you fantasize about whatever it is you do. You have always had these feelings or fantasies or fetishes. So why didn’t you explore them with your partners during the courtship phase of your relationship? AND my next query is, why did you get into the relationship in the first place if you couldn’t feel you had an open line of communication? Don’t you think that your partner might enjoy something other than what you have been doing all of these years? Does this topic of conversation make you feel uneasy? If so, then ask yourself why and what is it that you are specifically repressing or holding back? Why do you feel your partner would judge you for liking something “kinky?” I mean, what kind of relationship do you have that you feel you both can’t communicate AND feel that you would be judged? This is not what a relationship is all about. You don’t judge each other, you work together, talk openly. You discuss and debate. If you are in a relationship where one partner “judges” you, then you need reassess that aspect of your relationship, or your relationship because as I had previously written about, relationships/love is supposed to be unconditional.
- Gary Schwartz is a composer, musician, counselor, writer, performer. Double majored in Behavioral Psychology and Music Composition. Worked as counselor through Whitman Walker Clinic, Gay Men's Counseling Collective, Hospice of Frederick County, Montgomery County Health Department and Frederick County Department of Social Services as Adult Foster Care. Gary currently teaches private piano, voice and composition and just finished his 19th year performing at MDRF!