Easter Sunday drama! Elton John tickets! Hair in your fettuccini? Let’s shut all this down with another relationship column you didn’t ask for but absolutely need.

I have been seeing my boyfriend for one month. I want to bring him to my diehard Roman Catholic mother’s Easter Sunday mass. Should I? 

Unlike Sunday lunch, church is another ball game where the only things on the menu are wafers, wine, and judgment. If your boyfriend is down to go and not a hostage, that shows dedication on his part. Unless your mother is as chilled as mine, expect to be scrutinized in the house of the Lord. You might get stared and scowled at by the more conservative members. Use your mother as a human shield. And enjoy eating Christ — that is what the holy sacrament is all about. 

I won two tickets to see Elton John live but there is so much pressure from my two close friends to come with me. I’m considering not going and having them both attend so no one feels left out. What do I do? 

If you don’t go that’s really generous on your end and shows how attentive you are to the emotions of everyone around you. Your friends however should not feel so entitled during a happy windfall that it costs you an incredible experience. Have fate decide. If you like them both equally make them agree to a coin toss. Or just take your mother. Mom trumps all. 

We live in a small town and my best friend who is a lesbian constantly slides into depression over the lack of available single women. What can we do? 

Small towns are tough. More so when you’re a lesbian or a non-G or B member of the rainbow community. There are a few options that jump out off the bat. Moving to a more diverse city. Engaging long distant relationships. But neither are ideal. If her depression is truly linked to her relationship status, perhaps you can illuminate the merits of singledom. Not having to share leftovers. Sleeping diagonally on your bed. Having the luxury to travel uninhibited. This is not great advice because this is a difficult issue. Though, that last point may hold some truth. Travel. Find a nearby Womenfest or pride event. Lord knows they are year-round. Hell, find anywhere with a bevy of entertaining women and go with her. She will need you as a wingman. She most certainly needs fun. 

If I’m on a date at a restaurant and I find a hair in my meal, should I send it back or will that make me appear bitchy?

Make sure it is not your hair, of course. Then scrutinize the location. Is the hair intertwined in your fettuccini or casually hanging off the plate well away from the food? In the case of the former, be polite and send it back. This has to do more with hygiene and less the feelings of your date. If he or she somehow takes offense at your “fussiness,” reassure him or her that this will not impact your decision on giving oral that night. 

Most relationship guides read terribly and borderline folksy. What gives? The notorious venture capitalist, Paul Graham, recently reminded me in one of his fabulous essays that you should write like you talk. These columnists are either forcing their writing into a style that sounds nothing like them in real life or they’re obsessed with being scrutinized and are outright lying. You can also weed out the mediocre ones by looking at the type of questions and scenarios they tend to respond to. If it’s all cookie-cutter nonsense, they’re playing it safe. Tell them to keep it to their journals.

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Kevin Assam
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