Transition and Tragedy

I lost my darling husky, Rosa, on January 7th. We had eight amazing, frustrating, beautiful years together with my other husky, Misha. The decision to let her rest was the hardest choice I’ve ever made in my life. She was my family. Since then, I’ve grieved her and tried to get my life in order. Misha and I are going to be okay together – we’ll adjust and we’ll go on. But I’ve had this thought repeatedly about just how different this experience has been because I transitioned – or more specifically how it’s been better for it. Even just […]

Socialized Male

A couple months ago I decided to take some supplies to a person who was having housing issues. I packed up a bag full of essentials they had asked me to bring and I started to walk towards the McDonald’s where we’d agreed to meet. It was dark and I let my friends and partner know where I’d be walking and that I’d bet back in a bit. And then my metamour (my partner’s boyfriend) showed up at the McDonald’s and insisted on giving me a ride back home. My girlfriend gave me quite the talking to about it, essentially, […]

About Hatching

Trans folks call ourselves eggs when we talk about “the time before.” The people we had to be, the roles we had to act out, those were our shells. Realizing you’re trans is “hatching.” We talk a lot about the hatching, breaking free of the restraints that gave us a shape and form that didn’t belong to us. I have a strange relationship with my shell. It hurt me. It hurt me to be in that form, pretending to be that person. It nearly killed me. And so I’m struggling with this other feeling I feel towards it – gratitude. […]

A Phone Number to My Soul

Changing one’s name takes a lot of effort, anguish, work, and patience. So why do we do it? Why are names so important to us as transgender people? Over the last few years, but particularly the last few months, I’ve lived the experience of crafting a name for myself and then wearing it into the world. And sometimes I ask myself why I am going through all this stress. They say that to name a thing is to own it. My dead name was given to me by people who cared for me, enforced by people and systems that had […]

Pictures of You, Pictures of Me

The best photos that were ever taken of me pre-transition are from days where I almost died. There’s a resignation in my eyes in those photos – a kind of surrender that poked through every cheeky smile and goofy pose I could muster. I can see it and so can others, now that they know to look. A fair number of those photos exists – but that’s nothing compared to the number that exist of me from the last eight months, since I started transitioning. The photos I take today are nothing like those old ones. The old ones were […]