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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Transformed Beliefs

Written by  Merrick Moses

I can be a person of great extremes. I either have long dreads, a head full of hair, or no hair at all. I am not a gray person at all. My philosophy has been “Pick a side.” So with this, it’s no surprise that in order to remain in the closet, I picked an extreme philosophy to mirror the revulsion I had for my own gender dysphoria.

 

My foray into radical feminism was a way for me to escape inner torment and loathing. I truly believed that trans antagonism was founded in reason and survival. I believed that all these butches were becoming transmen because this was some nefarious attempt by the medical establishment to destroy gays and lesbians. Yes, I believed it because I didn’t want to believe my own heart.

I surrounded myself with said propaganda and folks involved in the propagation of this philosophy. What seemed like empowerment for “womyn born womyn” was really not what I thought it was. There were elements of racism, which I discovered. And in the end, what brought me to my senses is what seemed like an inordinate hatred for men. Checking in with myself through prayer and meditation, as well as a great mental-health counselor, I realized that the man truly hated the most was myself. I couldn’t face him. And I hated him because I was afraid of him. I was afraid of Merrick. I was afraid to let go of the paradigms and ideas that kept me depressed and bound up. But when I prayed for congruence and to live a life of authenticity, the rug was literally yanked from under me. I was tired of being filled with fear, self-doubt, and anger. When I let go of that, the God within me showed me who I really was, unfettered by fear and emboldened by courage.

It was damn near like a twelve-step program. I apologized to those I hurt by espousing trans antagonistic radical feminism. But there is one last group of folks I have not apologized to. And that was to you, the readers and my OUTLoud family. I deeply apologize for the hurt that I caused because I was not in tune with myself. Not to go backward, but to set the record aright, I was asleep to who I really was and now I am wakened to who I really am. I thank you for forgiveness, love, and acceptance.

For me, there is no end to my transition. I am always learning and growing, seeking to become a man of my own design, as Tiq Milan would say. I am always cultivating my masculinity with the hope and expectation that this energy would be a reflection of the Divine’s work in my life. I am a work in progress as we all are. I am emboldened and buoyed by the profound love I have surrounding me. I am also acutely aware of the loss that I have suffered because I choose to live authentically. I have lost home, friends, possessions. This is not unlike other trans folks who have lost so much and even life because of their bold declaration of self. I am not alone. The road is hard but the taste of freedom is ever so sweet. The blessing of looking in the mirror and seeing the miracle of my life is priceless. For all that I have loss, I count as gain to be able to travel in this life as who I really am. I now am present, living in my body, as a free man. The dream of an Afro-Latino Catholic queer kid from Queens is made manifest by an Afro-Latino Catholic queer man walking the streets of Baltimore. It is a surreal blessing for which I am so thankful. To the Divine, my ancestors, and spirit guides be the glory. My constant prayer is that the work of my hands blesses those around me and gives hope to those like myself. I pray that whatever life I have left is used to serve others, making my parents and ancestors proud. The servant is worthy of His hire. Lord, let Your will be done and Your love shine through the prism of my life so that all will know that the love always wins!

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