Friday, November 11, 2016

Barb’s Online Lesbian Dating Adventure

Written by  Barb Elgin

Time to check in with you on my online dating adventures! Well, I’ve been a paid member of a particular mainstream (vs. LGBT or lesbian-only) online dating site for almost six months now and I’m getting ready to cut bait with them when the subscription ends later this month. I like this site’s interface but am curious to see what else is out there.

I’ve been on the site almost every week on more than one occasion and I’ve had many conversations with women on the site. For a few, things have even progressed to phone conversations. In fact one woman has turned into a colleague! But, sadly, no in-person meetings or dates yet. The phone connections I’ve developed are with women outside the travel time/distance I want. I must say I’ve been the one more active most of the time in suggesting we meet, on average. But somehow we’ve been like ships passing in the night. And travel distance is not the only deal breaker.

Do I now beat myself up for this state of affairs? Of course not. This is the process, when you’re single, over 40, a busy professional, a member of a minority group, relationship-experienced (have standards) but are open to love. Yes, some of my results I chalk up to me just not being focused enough at times. Other things have taken a greater priority in my life these past six months. I meant it when I said it in a previous article: I don’t need a relationship at all and the only type I want would be the cherry on top of a sundae.

Sadly, the site I am using is a nationally known and popular site. There seem to be plenty of lesbian and bisexual women on the site, but not many compatible enough to me in my area. I even attempted to “cast my net wider” in searching. As long as I am willing to drive at least an hour or so, there are probably enough “compatible enough” women for me to meet. This is where I did get stuck – I really don’t want to drive back and forth an hour (or a bit more) to date someone right now. This is called being honest and realistic, not lazy or uncommitted. Sadly, one of the best connections I’ve made, for example, is with a woman in Florida! Will something come of this, who knows? I’ll keep you posted…

My experience squares with the frustration many women-who-love-women feel:

Why can’t I find love like straight folks do, right in my own town?

My reality seems to not match my needs and perspective. The lesbian’s lament!

I tried another mainstream site recently – one focused on people attracted to health and spirit. However, when I dug just a bit below the surface, it seemed their selection of lesbians in my area is sorely lacking. I won’t make the mistake of buying a membership with them. They are “baiting” me however. This morning they emailed me a picture of an attractive woman who lives in Washington, D.C. Do I bite? My free trial is over so now I have to fork over the bucks to have the ability to reach out to her. Most likely given my experience on dating sites, she’s probably not been on that site for months or years! Even the huge-est online dating site in the world, of which I was a member awhile back did this trick well.

So here’s my proposal: If you are reading this and you are a dating coach or other helper who has had great success in connecting women with each other or you are someone who found love online and you are willing to share how you succeeded at using otnline dating to do so, I’d love to interview you. Look me up and we’ll talk!


Barb Elgin, MSW, is a Certified Singles Coach who has been coaching and counseling single, dating, and coupled lesbians for over 25 years. If you’re interested in connecting with other women-who-love-women in healthy social and travel environments that combine fun and learning, join Barb’s complimentary email list here: Lastinglesbianlove.com/lesbian-social-and-travel-with-heart.

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