Baltimore OUTloud | Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Community News Maryland

Single Black Sheep

Pride - A Deeper Love

By Josh Aterovis

Hello, dear readers. Since this is the first of two Pride issues leading up to Baltimore Pride, I decided to answer a couple letters dealing with the issue from two different angles.

Dear Eligible Ebony Ovine,

I just started dating this really great guy. He's sweet, cute, and we get along great. He's in his early twenties and he just moved home with his parents after graduating from college. Sounds perfect, right? So why am I writing you?

The problem is he's not out at all, not even to his friends, let alone his parents. We can hang out at my house, and he stays over a lot, but we can never go to his place, and he gets a nervous any time we go out because he's afraid someone he knows will see him. What do you think? Is it worth pursuing something with this guy or is he a lost cause? I really like him! Please don't tell me he's a lost cause!

Proud in Patterson Park

Dear Proud Pattersonian,

So do you want an honest answer or do you just want me to tell you what you want to hear? Or as one of my current favorite singers, Paloma Faith, puts it, "Do you want the truth or something beautiful?" To be fair, he might not be a completely lost cause, but unless he's planning on coming out in the near future, it really depends on what you're willing to deal with in a boyfriend.

If you keep dating him, you have to accept an element of creeping around and secrecy. That might even be kind of exciting and sexy at first, but trust me, the thrill will wear off quicker than cheap lipstick. The question you have to ask yourself —­ and him ­­— is why doesn't he feel ready to tell the people in his life who he really is, especially since he's apparently ready to date and have sleepovers at your place. (And while we're on the subject, I know he's not a kid, but where do his parents think he is when he spends the night?) Is he afraid of rejection? Does he have reason to think his family won't be accepting?

If he has legitimate reasons, like maybe the 'rents are leaders of the local Teabaggers, then I'd be willing to give him a little more leeway ­— especially since he's apparently still somewhat dependent on them for a place to live. At some point, though, he's going to have to stop living to please them and live his own life.

I'm actually more concerned by the fact that he doesn't even want his friends to know. In this day and age? Really? Maybe he needs to stop hanging out with the Westboro Baptist Church. Either he's being a big dummy or he seriously needs some new friends. Which is it? The answer will be the deciding factor as to whether you should dump him now or give him a chance.

SBS 

This isn't a dating question, but I need some advice. How do I know when I should come out?

Stuck in Station North

Dear Stuck,

Are you Proud in Patterson Park's boyfriend, by any chance? If so, come out now! In all seriousness, you didn't give me a lot to go on there. Coming out is a very personal decision, and everyone has to reach the decision on when to do it in their own time and in their own way. More and more teens are coming out at ever younger ages. The last I checked, the average coming out age is down to 15 these days, and it's dropping all the time. (Compare to just ten years ago when I was coming out and the average age was in the early 20s!) In this age of ever-increasing acceptance and widespread media coverage, it's easier than ever for most people to come out.

That said, I know it's not always that simple for everyone. If you have extremely antigay family, it can be a difficult decision. Even if they're not virulently homophobic, simply not knowing what you're family's reaction might be can be scary. We always expect the worst. As I said to Patterson Park, though, at some point, you have to stop worrying about what other people might think and live your own life. You'll never be truly happy as long as you're pretending you're something you're not.

If you feel you're ready to come out, come out. It's really as simple as that. You don't have to take out a full-page ad in the Baltimore Sun or make a dramatic holiday dinner announcement. (In fact, I'd strongly recommend against that.) Just start by being honest. Maybe tell a few close, trusted friends, and go from there.

One final note, don't expect coming out to be a one-time event unless you're a celebrity on the level of Ellen DeGeneres or Neil Patrick Harris and plan on snagging a People Magazine cover. Coming out is a lifelong process. Every time you meet someone new, you have to come out all over again on a smaller level. The good news is it gets a whole hell of a lot easier after that first time. The best policy is to just live your life honestly and with pride.

SBS

Happy Pride, everyone! Until next time...happy dating!

Ed. Note.  While Josh Aterovis may not have come away with the Lambda Literary Award ("Lammy") for best gay mystery novel, he will always be considered a winner to his OUTloud family, his many friends, fans and readers of his works.  Thank you Josh for sharing your exceptional talents with us.